Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

Life coach Simon Hodges has transformed the lives of royalty, entrepreneurs, billionaires and their families. In this month’s column, he reflects on his own unwanted feelings and offers advice on how to break out of self-sabotaging patterns of behaviour

I am writing this month’s column from the beautiful island of Mallorca, taking a break from the endless stream of Zoom calls, and the repetitive rhythm of life under the cloak of the pandemic.

Ten days into my holiday, I find myself reflecting on how I could have let my life become somewhat grey and joyless, even a little anaesthetised. Yes, I know that this is a big admission from a life coach and some of you may quite rightly question my ability to what I preach! But what I’m able to see clearly now is that these unwanted feelings crept up on me, like a fog that moves slowly and purposefully through the valleys, finally reaching even the higher ground.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

That is to say, it can be hard, in these times, to know your ‘up from down’, your ‘right from wrong’. Your compass loses its bearings and you end up feeling lost. So, how can we begin find our way again?

Breaking old patterns

One of the most powerful tools we are taught as life coaches is the use of a “pattern interrupt.” In layman’s terms, this is a simple technique to stop a client in his / her tracks when, as a coach, you can see he / she is repeatedly playing out a self-sabotaging pattern of behaviour. A classic example of this is when I see a client consistently rationalising unwanted circumstances by blaming others or external factors. This kind of behaviour keeps you stuck in victim mode, which is a fear-based way of thinking and feeling, and ultimately, it’s self-sabotaging. If you want to see positive change in your life, including your relationship with others or your career, you first need to change the way you show up and start taking responsibility and ownership for your circumstances and recognise that this is always in your control.

When I am coaching a client and I can see they are stuck in a self-sabotaging pattern, I might choose to radically change the tone and pace of my voice, throw in a swear word or make a joke about what I just heard them say. This usually gets that person’s attention and stops the client in his / her tracks because they are shocked! This in turn makes them pause and reflect for a moment on what just happened and why.

A cove off the coast of Mallorca. Photo by Eugene Zhyvchik

Good things happen when we stop and reflect

It is only when we stop and reflect that we open the doorway to new ways of seeing. For me, Mallorca, where the sun shines most days, where the language, culture, food and rhythm of life is so different from my norm, has been my “pattern interrupt.” It has forced me to stop, and realise that I was stuck in an unwanted pattern of behaviour.

Read more: A guide to Beirut by architect & musician Carl Gerges

My challenge to you is to consider the following simple questions and then ask yourself if you, too, need a “pattern interrupt” and a shift in perspective:

• What are the prevailing emotions you are feeling day to day, week to week? Please label them and if you can, list them in order of their frequency (i.e frustration, resentment, anger, sadness, joy, contentment, peace, hope, gratitude) and consider whether you like what you read!
• What is missing from your life right now that you want more of? Again, please be as precise as you can be….i.e. ‘I miss freedom, I miss variety, I miss spontaneity, I miss connection, I miss fun.’ And consider what you are prepared to do to prioritise just two of these in your life moving forward.

Change it up!

Finally, be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you find that you’re stuck in a self-sabotaging pattern; if in doubt, you can always change something. As Einstein said (possibly not in these exact words), “The definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results.”

We all need variety in life. We all need a break from the routine, the mundane and definitely from the relentless. So, please give yourself the gift of “shaking the trees” and pattern interrupt yourself out of the fog!

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

This month, LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges reflects on the difficulties of the past year, and the lessons we’ve learnt

As we all start to emerge, perhaps feeling somewhat dazed and disorientated, from this long period of isolation, I find myself contemplating a few questions:

• Will we ever experience life again as it was before?
• What lessons have I learned from this challenging period?
• What lessons do we collectively need to learn from this last year?

Sitting in my log cabin office on a very windy and still fairly cold day (summer still feels a way off!), one thing is abundantly clear to me: never underestimate how quickly things can change!

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

But despite the late summer and the chaos of this last year, the first thing that comes to my mind is the word ‘hope’; there is nothing to say that our lives and this world cannot change markedly for the better in the coming weeks and months ahead.

Of course, I could just have easily chosen other words like ‘despair’ or ‘frustration’ but I find myself unable to do so. And one of the main reasons why I say this is that I think we all know with absolute certainty that it does not serve us to stay in such a dark place any longer.

Lessons Learnt – for me personally

My first lesson learnt is to choose to focus more of my energy on the light while recognising that the darkness is always there and that there are times when we all experience this darkness at the same time. And behind this are some real home truths for me:

• Acceptance and surrender – for me, being happy is as much about being ok and accepting of the darkness in the world and in ourselves, as it is about consciously choosing to experience more light and joy. A huge part of what makes our human experience meaningful is our experience of both ends of the emotional spectrum.
• Growth is never easy – we learn so much more about ourselves and are given the opportunity to learn and grow in times of hardship, struggle and adversity. Learning to see these times as a gift and not an obstacle is a game-changer in life. I guess this is something I have always intuitively known to be true, but it has really hit home recently.
• This too shall pass – no matter how bad life seems, and God, do we know it can feel grim, it is incredibly comforting to remind ourselves that this moment will pass and the light will return.

Lessons Learnt – for us collectively

The older I get, the more I feel that the universe and nature has a way of bringing us back into alignment with a higher purpose. That doesn’t mean to say that I believe that there is a permanence to our presence on this planet. Indeed, I have no doubt that we, as humans, have the capacity to self-sabotage and destroy more than any other creature or force out there today.

Read more: Meet the new generation of artisanal producers

How this all pans out is largely going to depend on how well we as individuals and a collective, listen to the lessons the universe is sending us right now and choose to act as a result.

• Choose love not fear – we need to move away from the outdated programme we have all been running (and taught from a young age) which tells us that we must compete over scarce resources and act in our self-interests if we are to survive. We need to learn that being loving is actually the hardest thing you will ever do – it takes real courage and strength to lead with love and it is oh so easy to lead with fear.
• Less is more – we live in a world obsessed with the accumulation of stuff. In turn, this leads us into a spiral of there never being enough, our cups forever half-full. These needs are fuelled and encouraged from all angles in the modern world. Learning to truly understand what enough looks like and then applying this in our daily lives is going to be crucial to our future happiness and sustainability.
• Serve others – this world would be an exponentially better place if we stopped making it all about ourselves, what we need and why others are to blame for our circumstances. This state of mind leaves us stuck, filled with judgment and leaning on our fear fuelled egos. Doing something for someone else, no matter how small will leave you happier and more fulfilled. It is that simple.

Next time

This has been an incredibly challenging year for us all, in so many different ways and on so many different levels, so forgive me for this column being a little more sombre! I am a huge believer that we only learn from our mistakes and we also only change our behaviour when we hit a leverage point (usually when life is painful) and I think it is fair to say that many of us are there right now. So, what are you prepared to do to commit to change?

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

This month, LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges concludes his ‘how to thrive in uncertainty’ series by sharing some practical advice on how to effect positive and lasting change

Over the last few months, I have been exploring why we tend to operate more often in survival mode as a result of our often unconscious programming, otherwise known as our belief systems or (more colloquially) the bullshit stories we believe to be true about ourselves and the world we live in.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

In today’s column and final part of this series on how to thrive in uncertainty, I explore how we can practically move away from these old fear-based patterns (or beliefs) and learn how to thrive again.

Making change a MUST

As I am an intensely practical person, my focus is on being real and offering you concrete insights into how to effect real and lasting change in your life.

As I said in my last column, change never happens until you first become aware of what is actually going on in your life and you can see both the reality and the negative impact of the beliefs you currently buy into. It is often revelatory to my clients when they first see a written list of their beliefs and just how toxic they are, which leads me onto my first point…

As human beings, we will only ever change our behaviour when it is a MUST to do so; in other words, we all need to hit our leverage point to change and this usually means experiencing so much pain that it becomes intolerable to endure it any longer! If you need help hitting your leverage point, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What does the predictable future look like for my life and what I want to achieve if I nothing really changes in the next 10 years or even 20 years? What will be my deepest regrets if I allow this to happen?
• What is the impact of my behaviour on my relationships and particularly, those I love the most? What does this look like 5 years from now if nothing changes?

Once you have become aware of what is no longer working for you and have also taken full ownership of it personally (no outsourcing to others with the blame and shame game!), you have to fully commit to doing whatever it takes to make these changes happen.

Change means change!

This leads me onto my second point: change requires a different approach. As Einstein said, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results. It sounds achingly simple, almost patronisingly so, but the reality is that most of us try to change by largely doing more of the same and then convincing ourselves that we did everything we could.

Read more: Hermès perfumer Christine Nagel on the emotional power of scent

So here is my challenge to you, if you are 100 % committed to change, you need to start to change the way you show up minute to minute, day to day, week to week and here are some fundamentals to address from the ‘get go’:

• Be curious and open minded – in other words, challenge yourself constantly to see if you can look at any given scenario, any interaction and event differently. What if my way of seeing things was not the only way? What if other perspectives were equally valid?
• Everyone you meet in life is your teacher – for me, this is one of the biggest game changer lessons I learnt. The point here is that everyone who comes into our lives (even those we can’t stand!), can teach us something. More often than not, we learn the most about ourselves and grow exponentially as a person from those relationships which feel the most challenging and push our buttons.
• Adopt a growth mindset – if you really want to change, this is a non-negotiable. Nothing worthwhile in life comes effortlessly, you have to do the work and most of all, you have to consistently push yourself to grow. And you will know you are truly growing when you consistently feel uncomfortable, out of your comfort zone, confused, uncertain and life feels messy! All growth is messy and uncomfortable but it is so worth it in the end when you realise how far you have come and most of all, how differently you now feel about yourself day to day.

This is always the acid test of how successfully you have grown, ask yourself: do I feel different today compared to 12 months ago?

Photograph Matt Porteous

Big change comes from consistently making little changes

If you want proof this is true, take a moment to think about the power of compounding in your finances, or Google some examples, and you will see just how quickly £1 invested every day can grow over a longer period of time.

It’s the same with life. If you want to see positive change and powerful results, first and foremost, you need to be consistent in applying these, often small, changes every day and remain disciplined enough to stay the course.

Get clear about what you want in your life and why you want it

Finally, if you want to make lasting and positive change in your life, focus on what you want your life to look like and most importantly, how you want to feel on a day to day basis.

Getting clarity on all aspects of your vision for your life across your finances, career, relationships, health, personal development, spirituality, fun and adventures is really important as it is the magnet which will pull you forward. The more clarity you have on exactly how you want this to look and the more emotionally invested you are in this outcome, the greater the chances of your success.

The most important part of all is to seek clarity on the emotions you want to feel more of in life and to start doing things today which take you in this direction. If you want more fulfilment, more contentment, more passion or more fun in your life, what sort of things do you need to be doing more of on a daily basis, and what sort of people (if any) should you be doing them with?

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges continues to explore how we can move away from a survival-based way of thinking and towards a mindset which will help us thrive

In my last column, I posed a few questions, one of which I want to explore more deeply, as it is fundamental to personal transformation: What are the beliefs that I previously bought into which are no longer serving me?

Our Belief Systems

So here is the reality: our belief systems drive our behaviour and everything that we do in our daily lives, and I really do mean everything!

Even though we have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, we tend to only focus on a handful and this handful is far too often rooted in fear. Have you stopped to notice recently which thoughts you habitually pay most attention to? What themes seem to keep coming up?

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

Let me bring this alive for you with some real-life examples of how our belief systems play out day to day. How many of you are familiar with the following?

• Constantly hearing a grating voice in your head which crops up just as you’re about to do something slightly scary and exciting?
• Feeling frequently frustrated and unfulfilled in your life knowing that you are capable of so much more, but without being able to take the next step?
• Noticing that you feel a lot of fear-based emotions in your life, such as anxiety about the future or rumination on the past and its failures?

What does this all mean? Well, beneath all of the thoughts and memories that came up as you read those questions is a limiting belief waiting to be outed!

What are our belief systems and where do they come from?

Our belief systems are simply the stories that we believe to be true about ourselves and how we see the world we live in. These might be something like:

• You can’t make it in life and be successful unless you fight – no pain, no gain!
• The world is a place of scarcity, filled with people who are out to get me.
• When I open up and let people in, I always get hurt.
• It’s better to play it safe in life and be ‘the diplomatic one’, rather than take risks and fail.
• It’s selfish to put myself first, I must always look after everyone else.
• I need to be reserved and calm – expressing how I feel and being emotional are signs of weakness.
• Everything I do has to be perfect – anything less is failure.

The vast majority of our belief systems stem from our childhood / adolescence and how we interpreted events that occurred during these times and specifically, the meaning we gave to these where we felt emotionally triggered by unpleasant or unwanted feelings. These can be from big life events like death, divorce, injury and illness, or from much smaller and seemingly innocuous things like:

• how you felt sad and unworthy when your Dad never gave you praise for something you felt was important and meant a lot to you.
• how your sibling was always the centre of attention and got away with murder, but you were often ignored or disproportionately punished and felt that you weren’t loved as much.
• how your parents often argued and so you felt you had to be the ‘good girl / boy’, never ask for anything and make everyone else happy.

The reason we interpret these events as above, comes down to three simple needs that are hardwired into our DNA and pre-programmed. We all want to feel:

• Loved
• Worthy
• Enough

When we experience events and interactions where our sense of anyone of the above is compromised, our default reaction is to make up stories (belief systems) to protect us from these unwanted feelings happening again, or at least with less intensity. Inevitably, the stories we choose are built on fear and we end up avoiding doing or saying things, playing safe, and generally not engaging as fully in life and our relationships.

And here’s the killer punch: the vast majority of us are living lives well below our potential because we are unconsciously allowing these limiting (and self-sabotaging) beliefs to run our lives day to day, like the corrupt software of an out of date computer.

Photograph Matt Porteous

What can I do to change my beliefs?

The short answer is: a lot! It is scientifically proven that you can rewire your brain and re-programme your belief systems in as little as 90 days, although my experience is that it is more like 180+ days in reality (more of this in my next column).

Read more: Durjoy Rahman on promoting South Asian art

But all change starts with awareness, so first of all, you need to become more aware of the internal chatter in your head, the prevailing emotions you feel day to day and start to assess where in your life you feel least satisfied. When you do this, you will gradually begin to see what is really going on in your head – whether you like it or not!

In short, you cannot make positive changes to move forward until you first become aware of what is holding you back and shine a bright spotlight on these beliefs to see if they really are your ‘truth’ or in fact are just ‘stories’ which you created unconsciously as a child when you didn’t have the awareness to know better.

From this base of core awareness, you’ll be able to ask better questions and to start to consider other choices which might serve you much better – choices which will ultimately leave you happier and more fulfilled with where you are now and where you’re going.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

Over the next few months, LUX columnist and life coach Simon Hodges will be drawing on his own personal experiences and case studies to explore how we can move away from a place of fear to thrive amidst uncertainty

We are wired to need certainty

From an early age, we are pre-programmed to put an incredibly high value on the need for certainty in our lives. So much of the subliminal messaging which floods us every day is shot through with the idea that we have to tick certain boxes so we can eventually match someone else’s definition of a ‘successful life’: getting married, having the huge house (without a mortgage, of course!), a big pension pot, perfect children educated at the best schools, exotics holidays… We are constantly being sold a definition of success which is beyond question – it is, in fact, so ‘essential’ that it has become a certainty in our minds.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

How often do we stop to wonder if this is actually what we want and, more importantly, if this is how we define success? The answer, at least in my case, is probably not at all until a life-changing event forces you to do so. This past year has been one such event, and it has forced us, on a global scale, to re-evaluate and question the ‘certainties’ we had all to readily accepted. What’s more, it has forced us to consider some of the ‘big’ questions:

• How do I need to adapt in order to survive these times and begin to thrive again?
• What are the beliefs that I previously bought into which are no longer serving me?
• What are some of the lessons the world is sending us? What are we being asked to learn?
• What can and can’t I control, and what does this mean for me going forward?

Across this new series of articles, I will endeavour to explore these questions and, hopefully, offer some thoughts and insights which I have learned throughout my life, which might help you in the months and years to come.

Photograph by by Matt Porteous

Your relationship with uncertainty will determine the quality of your life

This last year has shown us all that the only certainty is that life is consistently, and unapologetically uncertain. However, when our need for certainty is compromised, it can leave us reeling; we feel untethered, overwhelmed, powerless. Inevitably, we react by reverting to fear, to the certainty there is in being afraid. Indeed, if everything around us seems to be falling apart, fear seems, at first, to ground us, to focus the mind. But fear relies on a myopic view of the world and it thrives off our pain, leaving us in a fight, flight or freeze state of mind.

Read more: Artnet’s Sophie Neuendorf makes 8 art world predictions for 2021

Learning to change our relationship with uncertainty is key. From a position of fear, uncertainty is an unassailable obstacle and beyond our control. However, from an empowered position of love, uncertainty holds the possibility for adventure, for opportunity (where there is risk, there is always reward), for positive change, for the ability to grow and develop.

If we all accept that uncertainty is a fundamental part of life and that it is here to stay, why would we not want to change our relationship with it? One thing I know for sure, is that your ability to not just tolerate uncertainty but actually learning to embrace it, will ultimately be a huge factor in determining the extent of your fulfilment and success.

Learning to let go

One of the most liberating things you can do today is to get clarity on what you genuinely can and can’t control. If you consider this deeply, you will soon realise just how little falls within the scope of our control. And if we pursue this question to its furthest lengths, we will, eventually, come to the conclusion that the only thing we can ever control is ourselves.

Read more: Why do we act the worst with those we love the most?

It may be frightening at first, but if you allow the idea to settle and the waters to clear, it is one of the most empowering truths there is. Normally, for many of my clients, the implications seem isolating and overwhelming: if I can only ever control myself, how can I ever help anyone else? How will anyone ever be able to help me?

But hidden in these questions is an assumption of lack; they suppose that we can never be enough on our own, that we don’t already have everything we need within ourselves. What’s more, they forget that help can’t be given until it is accepted, that no matter how hard you may try, you can never ‘fix’ anyone else.

So, my message to you is that you have it all already, and if you allow yourself to give in to uncertainty, to accept it for what it is, and follow where it takes you – you will always come out the other side: this too shall pass.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Simon Hodges photographed by Matt Porteous

Last month, life coach Simon Hodges discussed why healthy dynamics often deteriorate and offered practical tools to help break out of old destructive patterns of behaviour. In his last column dealing with family dynamics, Simon provides some practical and powerful tips to improve family relationships

Love is always the answer, the answer is always love

This may sound obvious, but I make no apology for saying it: if you want to build more loving relationships, you have to make being loving your primary focus. This is not just a ‘soft and fluffy’ act. Far from it, it is actually the most challenging and most rewarding thing you will ever do.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

The most loving relationships are those where boundaries exist – put simply this involves being honest with yourself about what is ‘ok’ and what is ‘not ok’ in your relationship with others and making this clear to those around you. Once these limits have been set, it is then a case of holding each other accountable to these boundaries (with consequences for overstepping them). Though it may seem counter-intuitive, this requires putting yourself first, having the moral courage to say what you feel and to say it proactively and pre-emptively before any problems occur; take a moment to reflect on this point and be honest with yourself – do you routinely avoid speaking your truth because it feels awkward to do so? And then ask yourself, what are the consequences of failing to do this in your most important relationships?

The other major component of a loving relationships is trust, which can only be built over time. Trust is complex, nuanced and layered. At one end of the spectrum is an assumption of trust based on a contract; at the other end, there is unconditional and ‘pure’ trust, where no matter what, you know that other person will be there for you. Above all, trust is earned by being reliable and consistent in your actions (actions speak louder than words) which meet or exceed someone else’s expectations. And if you really want to build long-term trust and have a life of fulfilment, live a life of service. When we step out of making everything in our lives about ourselves and we seek to serve others, we create a virtuous ‘win-win’ circle.

Photograph by Matt Porteous

Dynamic communication is key

We often get lazy in our closest relationships and forget some of the golden rules of great communication. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that we truly understand what the other person is saying without checking. The definition of effective communication is making sure your message is received and understood the way you intended it to be, but when was the last time you checked to see if that was the case?

Here are two simple techniques to do so:

• • Repeat in your own words what you think you just heard the other person communicate to you.
  • Where you are more unsure if you understood correctly, ask the other person to clarify for you what you just heard.

In using these techniques, you are immediately establishing deeper connection and rapport because you are effectively communicating (at an emotional level) that you care about the other person. You want to truly understand their perspective and as a result they feel heard, respected and valued.

Read more: Simon Hodges discusses how to break free from destructive behaviour

One final practical tip, which is always a game changer in family dynamics and speaks to the point above about serving others, is to learn to listen more objectively and better still, with practice, to listen intuitively. Objective listening is all about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, making a real effort to understand what the other person needs and why. This requires us to step out of our desire to win and control every situation, and to genuinely want to understand the other person’s needs.

Intuitive listening is an art, and it is appreciated by everyone. With practice and real presence, you’ll be able to instinctively pick up insights and feelings around what is emotionally driving the other person’s behaviour. Often you will find out the most important information by tuning into what they aren’t saying: by observing their body language, listening to the tone and intonation of their voice and paying attention to the energy behind all of this. When you can really hear someone, when you value their thoughts, ideas and opinions, your relationship with them will immediately start to transform.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Life coach Simon Hodges. Photograph by Matt Porteous

This Christmas LUX is partnering with transformational life coach Simon Hodges for a high value giveaway

Life coach Simon Hodges has worked with billionaires, their families, royalty and industry leaders to help them transform their lives and reach their full potential. This December, alongside his monthly column for LUX, he is offering the opportunity for one lucky LUX reader to win two one-to-one 60 minute coaching sessions, worth £3,000.

All you have to do is answer the following question:

In one sentence, how do you want to change your life in 2021?

Entries via simonhodges.com/competitions/lux-winter-2020

We will be announcing the winner on Monday 21st December via Instagram. Make sure you’re following us at @luxthemagazine

LUX does not take any responsibility for content or offers on third-party websites. Simon Hodges’ content and offers are managed by Simon Hodges and his team, all queries should be directed appropriately to simonhodges.com

Simon Hodges. Photograph by Matt Porteous

In last month’s column, life coach Simon Hodges explained how and why problems arise in familial relationships. Here, he shares his top tips for breaking free from a competitive mindset and reactionary behavioural patterns

From an early age we are taught to live in scarcity. We learn that the world is made up of limited resources and that we are in constant competition for them. We talk in ‘not-enough’s, and think in terms of wins and losses.

Many of the families I work with are built on this model. They are driven by fear – fear of loss, and of losing – which often leads to huge financial success achieved through the relentless exertion of control. But when the world you have built is founded on fear, you end up believing that control is the only thing that can stop you from getting hurt. And if the stakes are so high, why would you ever delegate and willingly allow uncertainty into your life?

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

Time and again I see how this competitive mindset ultimately erodes trust. It is a vicious cycle which leads to parents feeling isolated, believing that no one can understand the weight of their responsibility. This, in turn, can leave children feeling unwanted and unneeded. In the ‘I win, you lose’ culture, it turns out that everyone feels like they are losing!

With this lack of trust and destructive sense of competition, families learn to live off a pattern of reactionary behaviour. The smallest criticism and briefest remarks are often met with machine-gun fire (over)reactions. We go from nought to sixty in a matter of milliseconds. We assume we are being judged and fall back into a habit of confrontation and conflict, often without even meaning to or knowing why.

So, how can we step out of these unwanted patterns of behaviour?

Photograph by Matt Porteous

The Journey

Changing deep-seated patterns is one of the most difficult things we can (try to) do, and it is where I focus a lot of my time and energy in helping the families I work with. In many ways it is like recovering from an addiction. It is extremely tough (even brutal) at the start, messy and confusing in the middle, but incredibly rewarding in the end.

The first step is to accept that all change begins with awareness. Understanding what the behaviour is, and coming to terms with the damage it has done and will continue to do to yourself and those around you, is essential in establishing the ‘why’ behind your desire to change. It is also a key stage in realising that although you are part of a family, only you can be responsible for changing your behaviour.

Read more: Simon Hodges discusses why we act the worst with those we love the most

In truth, the reality of changing habits is that most people won’t. Willpower alone can’t get you through. You have to make making a change a priority, keep an open mind alongside a willingness to try almost anything, and have people who can hold you accountable along the way (this is where a coach can be indispensable!). To help you out, here is a small selection of my top tools for interrupting unwanted behaviours.

‘Mind the Gap’

In every family there are points of conflict which seem to recur and repeat like a broken record. The same arguments eagerly pop up and our reactions become more and more automatic and involuntary the longer this goes on, and eventually, we lose ourselves to our unconscious behaviour.

Before you bundle onto a runaway train of outrage and confrontation: ‘mind the gap.’ Take ten to twenty seconds to pause, breathe and do nothing. Give yourself the space to interrupt this old pattern and ask yourself a better question – i.e. ‘How would the most loving version of myself behave right now?’

I often ask my clients and their families to come up with a familiar code word which anyone can use at any time to press pause on an argument (using your dog’s name works wonders here…!) and take stock.

Photograph by Matt Porteous

Laugh at Yourself

‘The man who trips is the last to laugh at his own fall, unless he happens to be a philosopher.’ – Baudelaire⁠

We spend so much time in our heads and our own busy little worlds that reality begins to distort our own version of the way things work.⁠ Learning to laugh at yourself is the fastest way to step out of your ego and the destructive behaviours which feed off it.

Read more: Entrepreneur Wendy Yu on creativity & charity

Self-deprecation and laughing at your own foibles and falls make even the most embarrassing and excruciating failures seem inconsequential. It diffuses tension; it pulls the rug from under the ‘serious’ and allows you to distance yourself from your reactive ‘self’. Laughter lets you step out of your old stories and see them for what they truly are. It also brings joy, and this joy brings families together – it lets us cross from fear to love.

Words, words, words

I’ll get the cliché out of the way first: if your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would they be your friends for?

The language you use to describe the world you live in is true from the moment you use it.

Language alters the way you see things and how you interact with those closest to you. You can convince yourself of anything with the right words, and you can change your behaviour if you slowly begin to change the way you describe your life and the people around you. What words make up your internal monologue? Are they keeping you small and making space for fear, or are they empowering you to move away from old beliefs and behaviours?

The Nub of It

Scarcity seeps into everything once you let it in. It is a world view built on the fear of missing out, of losing and being lost, and it keeps us small in every way. Scarcity happily offers up control as the solution to all anxiety, and then it prescribes confrontation and conflict as the most direct route to a feeling of superiority and self-worth. In a culture or family grown on the assumption of lack, scarcity wins all.

But if we step out of old, competitive patterns of behaviour and break free from a reactionary approach to our relationships, we can stop fear in its tracks, we can pass from scarcity to abundance, and in an abundant world, trite though it may sound, everyone wins.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Life coach Simon Hodges with his family. Photograph by Matt Porteous

Life coach Simon Hodges has transformed the lives of royalty, entrepreneurs, billionaires and their families. In the first of his new monthly column for LUX, Simon discusses how and why problems arise in familial relationships

Wealth is a magnifying glass – under its focus, problems seem larger and the fall from grace far further. In this way, money accumulates fear – just as it brings comfort and security, it also raises the stakes and expectations for everyone in a family.

Follow LUX on Instagram: luxthemagazine

Having worked with some of the world’s wealthiest families, I have seen how this fear can become all-encompassing, insidiously eroding the foundations of a healthy family dynamic. If left too late, suppressed ill-feeling and latent passive aggression almost always lead to conflict.

So, with this in mind – and given the surprising amount of time we are having to spend with our relatives of late! – I thought I would share how and why families fall apart and (in my next column) the steps you can take to prevent this.

Simon Hodges. Photograph by Matt Porteous

Where does it all go wrong?

‘Home is where you are loved the most and act the worst’

We reluctantly know and accept that we behave our worst in our closest relationships, the question is: why?

Assumptions

Each and every one of us is a teeming mass of assumptions. We suppose, surmise, infer and predict all the time, partly out of necessity, but primarily because of our beliefs (more on this later!). Within our families, we consistently assume that we know:

• what the other person is thinking
• how someone is going to react to a specific situation
• how things should be
• what’s right and wrong

And yet, the reality is that we don’t actually know ‘The Truth’ in our relationships; how are we supposed to, if we can never really understand what the other person is feeling and thinking?

When we make assumptions, we aren’t just deceiving ourselves based on our own predispositions and beliefs, we are also limiting our ability to remain open and loving to those around us.

In this way, embedded in every assumption is a veiled judgement. This judgement stifles love and authenticity and tears families apart from within.

Read more: Activist José Soares dos Santos on environmental responsibility

Wanting to change each other

This is a big one and one of the most destructive behaviours I see come up again and again.

Although families are ostensibly a single unit, they are always made up of individuals with their own unique skillsets and viewpoints. But all too often, these differences are seen as obstructive and unwanted complications. Parents want to iron them out, grandparents see them as a threat, and children learn to smother their real identities for the sake of everyone else.

When these differences can’t be dealt with – how are you actually meant to change someone’s nature? – it becomes a constant source of shame for the parents. They believe that not bringing up a child who is identical to them in every way is a sign of some parental failure.

And so, over time, families become locked in a self-sabotaging pattern of ‘I win, you lose’ behaviour. A cycle of blame and shame takes root when those who are different feel ostracised, and those who can’t ‘sort out’ these differences feel powerless.

Photograph by Matt Porteous

Labelling family members

Think about the members of your family for a moment and come up with some labels that you have for each other. Do the following resonate?

• the black sheep
• the prodigal child
• the anxious one
• the emotional one
• the difficult one
• the prima donna
• the control freak

Just like assumptions, labels can quickly pass from opinion to fact; a passing remark can stay stuck for a lifetime and feed into a burgeoning narrative of ‘us and them’. But in reality, these ‘facts’ almost always grow out of fear. Labels, like judgements, are without fail more a reflection of our own insecurities than the person we’re labelling.

Think about the different ways you typecast and characterise your relatives and how this reflects your own beliefs and fears. Are you jealous of the black sheep’s freedom? Do you envy the attention the prima donna receives?

Read more: OceanX founders Ray & Mark Dalio on ocean awareness

We love to push each other’s buttons

In some families, the need to push each other’s buttons is relished as if it is a sport. The competitive urge to provoke a reaction and test the limits of those we know best chips away at any harmony and goodwill that might exist.

The lugging baggage and dense experience which accumulates around all families eventually explodes under this compiled pressure and the default reaction is always one of fear – fight, flight or freeze. We either challenge, flee or shut down, but no matter the response, it never brings a family closer together.

The heart of the matter

We all want to be loved, worthy and enough. Yet throughout our childhoods we pick up limiting beliefs which convince us that love and worth and abundance are conditional:

I will only be loved when I….
I will only be enough when I…
I will only be worthy when I…

These beliefs are deep-rooted and drive incredible amounts of our behaviour. They are also the primary force holding back a family from longevity and genuine connection.

Thriving as a family, as a cohesive and loving unit, can seem like an ever-developing enigma. As parents age and children have children and grandparents pass on legacies, there are always new issues arising.

Over the last decades I have seen countless families fall apart and come together again. At the heart of every success story was a personal commitment from every member to let go of judgement, to renounce the labels and destructive assumptions, and lead with love rather than fear.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

Swedish model and life coach Anna K. for matchesfashion.com. Instagram: @annaklevhag

LUX contributing editor and model at Models 1, Charlie Newman continues her online exclusive series, interviewing her peers about their creative pursuits, passions and politics

Charlie Newman

THIS MONTH: Anna Klevhag, or Anna K. as she is known professionally, was a regular on the catwalks of the late 1990s alongside the likes of Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Linda Evangelista. After taking a break from fashion to focus on self-love and train as life coach, she has recently returned to the industry. Here she recalls her early career, struggling with self-belief and explains how coaching can help bring you back to your essential core.

Charlie Newman: Firstly can you tell us a bit about your upbringing and how modelling first came into your life?
Anna K: My upbringing was lovely in a small university town in Sweden as well as long warm summers on an island in the country. My father was a Chemistry professor at the university and was really keen on education, so I did engineering up to IB. I gained a place to study Architecture at university. But in those summer holidays, I won a competition to go to Paris and work as a model. A friend of mine and I were searching for jobs and we saw this job advertising that if you “were over 175cm” you should apply to this agency. My friend jumped straight on that and applied for me. Off I went and they took me on. I originally thought it was to be a booker, at 17 you are a bit dizzy! For the competition we had to parade around in swimsuits in some local hotel and all I remember is hearing my name being called and everyone congratulating me saying that I had won. After that I went to Paris for a week and then never really came back home again. First, I did catalogues and advertising, I was not athletic in body type, which was the thing of the 80s. It was when the ‘Grunge’ trend came that I did well. The look was more about personality and being flat chested and slender, that I could relate to. That’s what got things started.

Follow LUX on Instagram: the.official.lux.magazine

Charlie Newman: Was it difficult for you to take the leap and pursue modelling over studying?
Anna K: To be honest, I didn’t really think about it but now, having two young girls of my own who are around that age, I guess I wouldn’t have wanted them doing what I did. Education is beautiful, in any shape or form. To learn and know things enriches life like nothing else, it makes life more interesting and broad. I can’t stress how important it is to develop and grow, to learn, to have a purpose. I had such a strong interest in drawing and maths, I would have enjoyed being an architect but I rebelled. Still, it is never to late to start, I know that now, and being a life coach, I’m learning every day.

Charlie Newman: What was the reaction from family and friends when you started modelling?
Anna K: I don’t know how but my friends sort of always knew, much more than I did, that I wouldn’t really come back. My father didn’t say much, there was no outrage or anything deeply positive either, I was sort of left to get on with it from his perspective. I think everyone would have preferred it I went to university though.

Anna K. as a young model in British Vogue. Instagram: @annaklevhag

Charlie Newman: Your career catapulted so quickly, but do you remember one moment that changed your life?
Anna K: There was a moment. I did a make up trial with Linda Cantello for Jil Sander in Paris. They ended up picking me for the showroom in Milano. At the end of that, I remember the Art Director Mark Ascoli musing aloud as to whether they should put me in the big show and Linda said “Of course!” I remember the feeling, walking down that catwalk. It was with Linda, Naomi, Claudia, Kate, Amber, Shalome, the old supers and the new generation. It was like I was floating in air. That was my moment. I was in the right place at the right time. It all took off from there. After that, I worked with all those amazing photographers in the 90s and went to New York – it was such a magical time!

Charlie Newman: Having established your career in Europe, how did you feel moving to New York and setting up a life there?
Anna K: Well it never really felt like I moved there, it was just an organic part of life. I had a permanent suite at the Gramercy Park hotel back when it was this enchanting place, oozing of New York. Funny old ladies, with big hair, drinking Cosmopolitans, smoking and eating Gold fish snacks around tables in the bar. It hadn’t been done up yet and I could be anonymous there, it felt personal and real, my friend Kirsten Owen lived there too. We did it our way, it was a special time for sure. Work wise, it was a more pressured environment than Paris. More about business, agencies trying to have you change to theirs, career talk etc etc. But I loved working for Calvin Klein and Donna Karen, J Crew and all those lovely department stores regularly, for days and weeks. It felt more like a proper job and gosh did we have fun!

Instagram: @annaklevhag

Charlie Newman: Tell us more about your journey into becoming a Life Coach.
Anna K: I got divorced at 40 and never really saw it coming. I’d been madly in love with my husband for 20 years – we met when I was 22 in Milan. We really grew up together, he was my soulmate. We had two children together and lived in Notting Hill. Life was pretty perfect except for inside of me. I went on this huge journey to discover my blocks, my strengths, my joy, to get to know me. I dealt with a lot of childhood stuff I didn’t even know I had, patterns and beliefs that hindered me as well as daring myself to tap into my inner strength and power. I wish I had followed my instincts and gone to see someone at 25, when I wanted to, but I’m so grateful I have got to where I am now. To have what I have now, inside.

I really had it all but still struggled with self-belief. It was others that had to believe in me. I had the most wonderful booker, Sam Archer, who was full of joy and lust for life. She got me feeling right when I wasn’t feeling right at all. It would take a huge effort for me to go out into what I now call the ‘arena of life’, to be vulnerable and dare to be as big as I could be. With coaching it was easy to unpick all of that, to understand myself and change what didn’t serve me. I could work out where I wanted to be and how to cope. Now, it is me driving my life for myself. The inner strength I gained, got me that step closer to my full potential, it is so powerful. Coaching clarifies, unblocks potential and puts you back in control of your life. You become your own C.E.O! And there is a lot of joy in that force.

I have become aware through my friends in powerful positions that they see Life Coaching as an imperative tool in order to navigate their jobs and lives more efficiently. I now also study Executive Coaching. If you feel good, you do well, if you think good thoughts and have a focused mind set, you become dynamic. Essentially, we are all born perfectly imperfect. We are who we are meant to be. Life’s experiences often scramble that powerful core. Coaching helps you find your way back to your core.

Read more: Exploring Earth’s last true wilderness with Geoffrey Kent

Charlie Newman: How do you apply your skills within the fashion world?
Anna K: I see my girls (models) once a week if they’re in the country, if not we Skype or rearrange, we’re flexible, you have to be in fashion! Each girl needs different things. So we work on vulnerability, self-esteem, habits, strengths, patterns, blocks whatever is lacking. It doesn’t take long to work things out. Coaching is like stepping on to a escalator. You take away what hinders you and step into your strengths. I also mentor professionally. I have spent most of my life in this business (over 30 years) and have worked on all levels. Having worked with most of the legends within fashion I know it like the back of my hand so I can help the models as I truly understand it. The industry has not changed that much fundamentally, only grown enormously.

Charlie Newman: Do you go and see a life coach for a specific reason?
Anna K: Whatever age you are and whatever stage you’re at within your life or career, we all hit patches of ‘confusion’. You simply don’t feel in charge, happy, joyful, strong, clear. Coaching clarifies everything quickly. I learned to be a coach so that I could coach myself – I am no longer confused. It doesn’t matter how wealthy or how successful you are, true joy and fulfilment cannot be without knowing, accepting and embracing yourself. Then follows growth, contribution, productivity – it is just logic really.

Charlie Newman: Do you work with a client for a particular time period?
Anna K: It can be anything from 4-6 sessions to months. Sessions are between 1 and 1.5 hours long. We set up strategies for change. Change happens in a moment. The time it takes to get to those moments of break through is personal but we usually get there quite quickly. You then condition that change finding newfound neurological paths that need reinforcing. Often girls come with a problem and it turns out that wasn’t the problem at all.

Instagram: @annaklevhag

Charlie Newman: What’s the difference between a life coach and a counsellor?
Anna K: Coaching is a result based practice. Whether its a small change or a bigger one. Coaching is much more instant and of the moment – there is an action plan. We do go into the past like you do with counselling but in coaching you use it as more as a ‘spring board’ to fuel your future. I went to quite a few therapists when I got divorced and I found myself just going over and over the same things but there was no change or no strategy in how to deal with things. I had it all but couldn’t use it, I was frustrated and I was confused. I needed to work out why but also change my ways and that’s where coaching stepped in.

Charlie Newman: Your fashion career has spanned so many years and you’ve seen it from so many different perspectives. What do you think has changed the most from when you started?
Anna K: There was no social media when I first started at the end of the 80s. There were no cell phones, I didn’t even had a credit card! You were perhaps more lonely in one way but then again Instagram or Facebook relationships can never substitute the real thing. There are benefits to social media, you can share your passion projects for example. Practically, things are much easier too. We used to spend hours in labs enlarging tear sheets to show to clients. Sometimes though, I wonder if all those time saving things actually prevent us from communicating organically, like we used to. I do wonder, if they actually do save time? It often doesn’t feel that way to me. It’s a balance I guess, I’m always finding the balance.

Charlie Newman: What kept you grounded when your career was going crazy?
Anna K: Without question it was my boyfriend at the time, who was my first husband. We shared absolutely everything, it was him and I against the world. He kept me sane.

Read more: Italian brand Damiani’s Kazakh-inspired jewellery collection

Charlie Newman: What advice do you give to younger models?
Anna K: Self-love is everything. Find out who you are, if you haven’t. Embrace it. Fulfil all your inner needs, as a whole human being, not just for work. Find out where you’re lacking and work on that. Try to focus on the good not the bad. Observe your thoughts. You are what you think. I tell my girls not to get upset if they don’t get the job because it’s actually nothing to do with them personally, it’s just a constructive business decision. Your turn will come. Just be ready for it when it does.

Charlie Newman: What made you go back into modelling?
Anna K: My dear agent Mika at Mika’s Stockholm, called to ask if I wanted to do some pictures and an interview on Sweden’s supermodels over time. I said yes and from that it snowballed. I got a MAC Cosmetics campaign, did Matches Fashion, magazines and advertising – it’s been great fun! Models 1 feels like family, they just get things, I am so lucky.

Charlie Newman: How have you found coming back into the industry after all these years?
Anna K: It has honestly felt like putting on an old pair of slippers! I have just loved it! It’s been wonderful to reconnect. I feel comfortable on set, I know that world, it is a part of who I am.

Charlie Newman: Lastly who is your role model of the month?
Anna K: It’s got to be my daughters because they’re so free, I’ve learnt so much from them. They are so healthy, they blow my mind.

Follow Anna K. on Instagram: instagram.com/annaklevhag