Life coach Simon Hodges with his family. Photograph by Matt Porteous

Life coach Simon Hodges has transformed the lives of royalty, entrepreneurs, billionaires and their families. In the first of his new monthly column for LUX, Simon discusses how and why problems arise in familial relationships

Wealth is a magnifying glass – under its focus, problems seem larger and the fall from grace far further. In this way, money accumulates fear – just as it brings comfort and security, it also raises the stakes and expectations for everyone in a family.

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Having worked with some of the world’s wealthiest families, I have seen how this fear can become all-encompassing, insidiously eroding the foundations of a healthy family dynamic. If left too late, suppressed ill-feeling and latent passive aggression almost always lead to conflict.

So, with this in mind – and given the surprising amount of time we are having to spend with our relatives of late! – I thought I would share how and why families fall apart and (in my next column) the steps you can take to prevent this.

Simon Hodges. Photograph by Matt Porteous

Where does it all go wrong?

‘Home is where you are loved the most and act the worst’

We reluctantly know and accept that we behave our worst in our closest relationships, the question is: why?

Assumptions

Each and every one of us is a teeming mass of assumptions. We suppose, surmise, infer and predict all the time, partly out of necessity, but primarily because of our beliefs (more on this later!). Within our families, we consistently assume that we know:

• what the other person is thinking
• how someone is going to react to a specific situation
• how things should be
• what’s right and wrong

And yet, the reality is that we don’t actually know ‘The Truth’ in our relationships; how are we supposed to, if we can never really understand what the other person is feeling and thinking?

When we make assumptions, we aren’t just deceiving ourselves based on our own predispositions and beliefs, we are also limiting our ability to remain open and loving to those around us.

In this way, embedded in every assumption is a veiled judgement. This judgement stifles love and authenticity and tears families apart from within.

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Wanting to change each other

This is a big one and one of the most destructive behaviours I see come up again and again.

Although families are ostensibly a single unit, they are always made up of individuals with their own unique skillsets and viewpoints. But all too often, these differences are seen as obstructive and unwanted complications. Parents want to iron them out, grandparents see them as a threat, and children learn to smother their real identities for the sake of everyone else.

When these differences can’t be dealt with – how are you actually meant to change someone’s nature? – it becomes a constant source of shame for the parents. They believe that not bringing up a child who is identical to them in every way is a sign of some parental failure.

And so, over time, families become locked in a self-sabotaging pattern of ‘I win, you lose’ behaviour. A cycle of blame and shame takes root when those who are different feel ostracised, and those who can’t ‘sort out’ these differences feel powerless.

Photograph by Matt Porteous

Labelling family members

Think about the members of your family for a moment and come up with some labels that you have for each other. Do the following resonate?

• the black sheep
• the prodigal child
• the anxious one
• the emotional one
• the difficult one
• the prima donna
• the control freak

Just like assumptions, labels can quickly pass from opinion to fact; a passing remark can stay stuck for a lifetime and feed into a burgeoning narrative of ‘us and them’. But in reality, these ‘facts’ almost always grow out of fear. Labels, like judgements, are without fail more a reflection of our own insecurities than the person we’re labelling.

Think about the different ways you typecast and characterise your relatives and how this reflects your own beliefs and fears. Are you jealous of the black sheep’s freedom? Do you envy the attention the prima donna receives?

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We love to push each other’s buttons

In some families, the need to push each other’s buttons is relished as if it is a sport. The competitive urge to provoke a reaction and test the limits of those we know best chips away at any harmony and goodwill that might exist.

The lugging baggage and dense experience which accumulates around all families eventually explodes under this compiled pressure and the default reaction is always one of fear – fight, flight or freeze. We either challenge, flee or shut down, but no matter the response, it never brings a family closer together.

The heart of the matter

We all want to be loved, worthy and enough. Yet throughout our childhoods we pick up limiting beliefs which convince us that love and worth and abundance are conditional:

I will only be loved when I….
I will only be enough when I…
I will only be worthy when I…

These beliefs are deep-rooted and drive incredible amounts of our behaviour. They are also the primary force holding back a family from longevity and genuine connection.

Thriving as a family, as a cohesive and loving unit, can seem like an ever-developing enigma. As parents age and children have children and grandparents pass on legacies, there are always new issues arising.

Over the last decades I have seen countless families fall apart and come together again. At the heart of every success story was a personal commitment from every member to let go of judgement, to renounce the labels and destructive assumptions, and lead with love rather than fear.

Find out more about Simon Hodges’ work: simonhodges.com; @simonhodgescoaching

How well do you know your socio-economic and demographic grouping acronyms?

Abercrombie & Kent founder and LUX contributor Geoffrey Kent discusses how a new generation of consumers are influencing brands

How well do you know your socio-economic and demographic grouping acronyms? From the best-known, like Yuppie and Wasp, to the more recent, Sinbad – there seems to be an acronym for everyone.

If you are a frequent reader of my columns here on LUX or if you’re familiar with our luxury travel company, Abercrombie & Kent, you might be forgiven for thinking that we concentrate on attracting Dinkies, Tinkies (two incomes, nanny and kids), Glams (those who are greying, leisured, affluent and middle-aged), or even Rappies (retired affluent professionals), but in fact, we, like all brands, are increasingly turning our attention to the Henrys.

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Nothing to do with the Hooray Henry, this term was coined by Fortune magazine and stands for ‘high earners, not rich yet’, Henrys are those on their way to affluence, but not quite there yet due to high living costs and other factors. While Henrys span both the millennial and GenY generation, it is millennial Henrys, which are of so much interest to entrepreneurs and their marketers for two simple reasons.

Firstly, their numbers: as revealed in an all-important announcement in 2015 from the U.S. Census bureau, millennials (born between 1980-2000) surpassed Baby Boomers (those born between 1946 and 1964) as the largest generation in the U.S. (where this type of research frequently seems to stem from and of interest to me because of A&K’s American offices (A&K is headquartered in both London and Downers Grove, Illinois). Plus there are many, many more of them in comparison to their parents’ generation.

Secondly, their spending power: from now until 2040, millennials will be entering their prime spending years. They will be the key consumer segment driving the world’s economies.

The millennial generation had its biggest birth year in 1990, so using them as an example, the top 20 per cent Henrys (high earners, not rich yet) born in 1990 earn over $50,000 per annum and the top 10 per are earning more than $75,000 a year approximately. They are well on their way to affluence, and are more educated, better informed and setting the trends that other millennials will emulate.

And with millennials driving economies, as brands try to win their business, millennials will change the businesses and their offerings, thus affecting us all. They are driving what is coming to be called the ‘experience economy’, moving from consumerism towards experientialism (read more about how they are redefining luxury travel here). If you have a subscription to a streaming service and no longer purchase DVDs or boxsets for example, it’s all down to millennials and this trend. If you have noticed more travel companies urging you to experience a destination like a local or learn something on holiday, you now know who the cause is. This isn’t exactly new ground for A&K – we’ve been encouraging travellers to make horizon-broadening connections since the early 1960s – plus ça change.

Read more: Kuwait’s ASCC launches visual arts programme in Venice

Millennials and the Henrys among them are focussed on value, not price point, and interested in feeling proud of their purchases and the things they do. They are design-led, crave authenticity and want for everything they do to be climate positive (or at a bare minimum, neutral). They are the type to choose a travel brand that is philanthropic and does good in the places in which its guests travel (such as A&K). They want a curated experience, that does no harm (i.e. is socially responsible) and that is Instagrammable. They share their experiences in the same way that their parents related theirs at dinner parties.

They are searching for a connection to their communities, other cultures and the world at large. Travel is a practical way to process and respond to an increasingly complex globe.

Thanks to childhoods, lifestyles and the psychology of millennials, they are the ‘Do It For Me’ customer – exactly the type that appreciates a well-travelled and knowledgeable travel expert who will arrange their luxury holidays for them. A match made in heaven? Who knows, but it certainly was a match made sometime between 1980 and 2000.

Discover Abercrombie & Kent’s luxury travel itineraries: abercrombiekent.co.uk

One of the panel discussions at the YPO Edge global leadership conference in Singapore in 2018, an annual event that brings together nearly 3,000 business leaders

The YPO may just be the most influential organisation in the world that most people haven’t heard of. An association of major business owners and chief executives spanning Asia, the US, Europe, Africa, South America, Australasia and the former Soviet Union, it is part high-end networking forum, part extended family. It is notoriously difficult to join, and those who are in say its discussion groups, events and networks have transformed their business and, sometimes, their personal lives. LUX Editor-in-Chief Darius Sanai hears some insights from YPO members in Asia

Joelle Goudsmit

Joelle Goudsmit, CEO of Dimension-all Group, Philippines

YPO member since June 2012

LUX: How did you first come across the YPO in the context of your business?
Joelle Goudsmit: I took over the family company when I was 24, because my mother passed away quite suddenly. I had a liberal arts degree that I enjoyed but it did not really prepare me for working in construction and scaffolding, the family business in the Philippines. A degree in economics and Japanese literature does not prepare you for negotiating with contractors.

I was talking to someone in Hong Kong, who asked whether I’ve ever heard of this group called YPO and said that I really should join. I was a bit suspicious, as she was a random
person in my yoga class, so I answered that I was a bit overwhelmed just then and that I didn’t have room for anything else. Then YPO came up in a business context with several other people across Asia. So, I joined when I was 30, when there was critical mass with lots of people who were around my age, and it was wonderful.

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Leading a company is really quite lonely. You don’t necessarily have peers at work, you have colleagues who work for you. That’s a very different dynamic. When you work in a family business, there can be complications because the work tends to come home and your family then becomes stakeholders first, not necessarily family.

Your YPO forum does not have a vested interest in your business, they just listen, they are peers, and tend to be willing to share. Looking across the organisation, the common denominator is that the people come in with a willingness and a desire to constantly learn throughout their lives. I personally think that it doesn’t matter how challenging work gets, there is a point at which one gets a little stupid doing the same thing over and over. It’s much better t go to a YPO event to unplug, get inspired, and get new energy in order to bring that drive and inspiration back to work, and to maybe look at problems in a different way.

LUX: When you joined, did being a member help your business in specific ways?
Joelle Goudsmit: Yes, I have a number of examples of where I received unbelievable business support. When I purchased my first company, I was trying to find out about the business as quickly as possible. I decided I’d be doing business development straight away, not to be the CEO, just to go out, meet with potential clients and see whether the business was truly viable.

YPO has chapters and networks. The networks deal with your current interests , whether they be business or personal/social. I joined the deal network, I was quite active with them, and they organised these sessions around the world where you went in and met with a group. You were open about what your company needed at this point and whoever was in the room would volunteer leads for you or they could suggest someone they know or a chapter mate or someone in your realm. I remember I was in Dubai at that point and was looking for potential strategic partners. I put my need out to the table and really wasn’t expecting anything. Someone at the table goes, “come speak to me at work tomorrow”. They became my first client I acquired on my own for the company, and it was a wonderful “Phew! This company is viable” moment. It gave me a lot of confidence and hope for that company. That came out of YPO and has repeated a lot of times ever since.

I recently had breakfast yesterday with someone I met through YPO. Previously, he had a work colleague he had sent to the Philippines who needed emergency medical care. He didn’t know what to do, so he had sent a message out to the network. We responded and we were able to make a phone call to someone who owned a hospital close to where the man was, and was able to get him the right care.

So, at breakfast recently, he mentioned he was going to Kazakhstan, and I mentioned I’d like to explore potential business opportunities in Kazakhstan. So, he is phoning people to make introductions. You never know where these will lead, but it saves you having to go into a country that is very foreign, where you don’t know anyone. It’s a huge deal.

Delegates at the YPO Edge conference in Singapore, 2018

Jennifer Liu

Jennifer Liu, Hong Kong-based owner of The Coffee Academics and founder of HABITŪ, Asia

YPO member since May 2017

LUX: Why did you join the YPO?
Jennifer Liu: When your entrepreneurial businesses reach a certain international scale, the YPO makes great sense, in terms of forming an alliance with other business friends and understanding the business environment.

I have not been a member for long, and I am getting active; for example, there is a very interesting event where YPO members in Hong Kong and the region visit the Greater Bay Area of China [the region connecting Hong Kong with mainland cities such as Shenzhen and Guangzhou]. YPO has a very selective process for its members. The calibre and the sophisticated mindsets of the people set it apart. I believe there are fewer than 100 members in Hong Kong. I went through three interviews.

LUX: What kind of questions were you asked?
Jennifer Liu: They want to know if you really are the person who makes all the important decisions in your company. Whether you’re an entrepreneur or a top manager. And whether or not you can impact your company and the city or the world, one way or another both in the business world or the charities space.

Read more: Tips for a successful application to one of London’s most exclusive members’ clubs

LUX: You have been a member for less than two years ; how has it been?
Jennifer Liu: I love it. There are the very senior members who have seen it, done it, and they have all the words of wisdom. They have so much to share and for us, coming into this point in time where you’re no longer a young business person and you’re quite big, but you still have a lot to work on and to learn about, YPO has that resource of some of the best talents in town and also in the region or in the world, to openly and safely provide suggestions or networks. So, I think, in a way, when we come out and we say we are YPOers, it immediately means a certain standard, in terms of trust, respect and confidentiality. And in YPO, there is no specific hierarchy. Everyone is equal, and we all share . When it comes to confidentiality, it very clear what is level one, what is level two, and you feel very comfortable to share things you can’t even share with your family or your spouse or your co-workers.

LUX: In what way is it useful for your business?
Jennifer Liu: It’s very useful for me as person to have a safe environment to open up and to know people and to know what’s going on in Hong Kong or elsewhere in the world. It has a well-built system where we are not soliciting business between each other, but it’s a platform where we share useful and trusted information, both for business and personal matters.

Mathew Boylan

Matthew Boylan, President and CEO of Matador Systems, Singapore

YPO member since October 2010

LUX: How has YPO helped your business?
Matthew Boylan: YPO has done two incredible things . Number one, it is an amazing security blanket because for a company like mine the only way that we can survive is to be able to support clients in more than one location. Our clients need to work with one supplier for their entire IT support strategy whether that is in Singapore, Vietnam, Australia, Korea or Japan. That means we need to have operations in all of those countries, meaning we have to incorporate a legal entity in those countries, meaning we have to navigate the rules and regulations that apply to employing permanent staff in those countries.

Before I joined YPO, one of the experiences that we had when we wanted to set up an office and incorporate a legal entity in China, we started talking to corporate consultants in Singapore who provided that service. The frustrating thing was that we would receive a quote from one corporate consultant for US$30,000 to incorporate in Shanghai, we would receive another quote for US$300,000 for exactly the same service. You are going into a market that you don’t have much knowledge about or experience in, you have to put a certain amount of trust in third party suppliers, but it is very difficult if you have not been recommended to those third-party suppliers, you have to do your own diligence, your own research.

You completely bypass the entire process by being a YPO member. All you need to do is pick up the phone or send an email, in this case it was to a YPO member who is based in Shanghai, and ask, “Can you please provide me with a recommendation to a corporate consultant who you have done business with, who you can trust, who you know will be able to support our needs in Shanghai?”. You know straight away that you can trust whoever they recommend. No matter where you are doing business you know that through the YPO network you can receive trustworthy and credible recommendations to third parties you need to rely on.

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Number two – and this is so important in today’s business world – YPO allows you to conduct business at hyper speed.

I have been able to leverage off Matador’s expertise and infrastructure and resources to incubate and accelerate a lot of other different businesses. So, if you are looking for a manufacturing partner in a certain market, you’re looking for a distribution partner in a certain market, again you can leverage off the YPO network to actually source those.

One of my new businesses for 2018 was releasing a new product into the Japan market, we needed to source a manufacturer either in China or Vietnam, and through the YPO network I was able to source potential manufacturing partners within 24 to 48 hours. The two business partners who I am working with are based in Tokyo, who are not in the YPO, they have been struggling with this for twelve months with no progress, and they just said, “Matt, how did you do this?” I said it was through YPO and they were fascinated. Basically, within a 48-hour period I was able to source a manufacturer in Vietnam and also a manufacturer in China and in both cases, they were recommendations from YPO members in those respected countries. So, you can really work at speed, which is critical.

A speaker at the YPO Edge conference in Singapore, 2018

Noni Purnomo

Noni Purnamo, President Director of Blue Bird Group Holding, Indonesia

YPO member since November 2003

LUX: You were one of the first female YPO members in your region.
Noni Purnamo: Yes, I was first introduced to YPO about 15 years ago by a good friend who is a very successful businesswoman, Shinta Kamdani. When I joined there about only like three female members in Indonesia, including her and myself.

LUX: How has the YPO helped you?
Noni Purnamo: YPO has help me grow all sides of my life. I went through the ups and downs of various challenges. When I was in my mid thirties I was faced with this challenge of how do you balance being a mother and being a business person at the same time. It was the busiest time of my business life, when you have the most energy and so many things to do, you have so many things to handle and yet you have to handle young children because that’s normally what happens when you’re in your early thirties . So, during those times I was really relying on the YPO network, YPO experiences and YPO learnings. I have really relied on the forum [where up to ten members get together and talk confidentially], I have been in the same forum for the almost 15 years now, and they know more about me than I do myself! They have been through all the ups and downs of my life and the good thing about sharing this in a forum is because of the forum’s rules – it’s strictly confidential and there is no judgement, you can only share.

That structure really helped. At one point I faced what was almost a depression, and I went to the YPO Life, which is a five- day course for members in Mumbai, and doing it I learned a lot about myself. It saved me from that depression.

I then initiated the mother/daughter retreat in Indonesia. YPO is one of the organisations where you can get help in all aspects of your life. Some organisations are purely commercial, some organisation are purely networking, with this you can have a family, you can grow with it. That’s what I have gained from YPO.

Dimitri Goutenmacher

Dimitri Gouten, CEO Asia, Buccellati

YPO member since 2012

LUX: Why did you join the YPO?
Dimitri Gouten: In my previous company [the luxury goods conglomerate Richemont], we were doing an entrepreneurship award with a similar organisation. Some members went on to join the YPO and they recommended it. For many reasons. The first reason being the networking; with the YPO you are not seven degrees of important people, you are one or two degrees because you can really access entrepreneurs, bankers, investors, in a very quick manner. And then once you join, you have a lot of expertise available to you, and there are events where there are presentations on different subjects, so it’s like a university . You can be talking about the US economy one afternoon, then the singularity another afternoon, and AI. There are many subjects that are discussed at a high level and that are very interesting for all the members.

There are also events related to family, also events with children, because the whole point is about learning something – so you can learn something with your children, or you can learn something with your spouse, there are different kinds of events that are organised to promote business, family and personal life. That’s the holistic approach that it offers.

Read more: Rosewood’s flagship hotel opens in Hong Kong

It’s a later stage the YPO forum comes, which is when you have this group of people that we gather every month to talk about personal, business and family subjects which are shared in an environment that’s 100% confidential, where you have trust with the different people. And the idea is really for everyone to really express themselves, share their emotions, share their values, and you know, tell you stories, memories that happened to them in a similar case to what’s happening to you or friends of theirs.

The idea is never to judge you, never to give you advice, but to just give you some relevant information that they see could help you make your own decisions. So, it’s not about “Oh you should do this, you should do that”, it’s really an open forum, where everybody can share and everybody can take the most out of what they want. It’s never about “Oh, I have this problem, what are the solutions?”, it’s “I have this problem, I’m going to do a small presentation to my forum mates, my forum brothers, and we will see and they all share”.

One of them can be in a family business, one of them can be an architect, one of them can be in the printing business, or finance.

LUX: It sounds like the forum is something that doesn’t really exist elsewhere?
Dimitri Gouten: Yes, and it’s true that you don’t really find it outside this forum because it’s ruled by confidentiality and trust, and the other aspect is the quality of the people, because the people who are also recruited join the YPO because of certain criteria that are fixed by the YPO itself.

LUX: And you found it useful in terms of business and personal support?
Dimitri Gouten: Very useful. As well as the forum, you also have all the rest of the YPO network, that you can also contact for certain things. For example, I can ask if there is anybody who has experience in importing jewellery into China? You will find somebody, and then you will have some sharing of information if the person wants . That’s the whole idea of the organisation, that you share with others and you benefit from that.

For example, a few years ago, we went to Taiwan with a member of my forum and we met other, different companies that belong to YPO and studied their business models . So, you mix that with excellent food on the trip, and it’s a very interesting experience. We also went to Japan at one time where we saw a company making electric cars. In Asia the YPO is very powerful, you can quickly touch some entrepreneurs, and most of the time we share because we know what YPO is and we are willing to share.

LUX: Is there a mechanism by which contact happens?
Dimitri Gouten: Yes, there is a website where you have access to all the members worldwide. It doesn’t accept solicitation, so it means a member can’t call me and say, “Do you want to buy this?” But they can send me a message and say “I’m in this type of business and I’m in Hong Kong next week, could we meet for a drink?” And you trust them, you know that they are in the same organisation and they also follow the same standards.

For more information visit: ypo.org

Home Grown is the latest members’ club to open in London aimed at business professionals

This month, a new members’ club opened its doors in Marylebone, London. Sister to Home House, Home Grown is geared towards the business elite and deep-pocketed investors. We speak to the collection’s Managing Director Andrew Richardson about mixing business with pleasure

Andrew Richardson

1. There has been a recent rise in members’ clubs offering not just first-class facilities but also the chance to join a professional community, why do you think this is?

With the private members’ club sector becoming increasingly competitive, there is obviously an evolution of niche offerings, with potential members seeking specific benefits to them. Perhaps it could be compared to the restaurant sector where we all look for specialist cuisines, themes and menus over general offerings.

Over the years and despite the changes we have seen in London’s club scene, what has remained evident is the sense of belonging fundamentally linked to members’ club. As operators of these establishments it is our responsibility to curate an inclusive environment where relationships flourish organically; this is equally as important in the contemporary business club, with individuals increasingly mixing business with pleasure.

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2. London is home to a wide variety of clubs, what makes Home Grown different?

Home Grown is a hybrid, combining the luxuries of a members’ club whilst answering the needs of a high growth entrepreneur. Our objective has been to create a community of likeminded entrepreneurs, who are on a sometimes challenging journey. Our members’ events calendar has been specifically curated to support the entrepreneur’s journey, particularly at a high growth stage. Our affiliates and strategic partners support in areas such a legal, wealth and finance, tech, wellbeing, strategy and HR have been aligned to facilitate business growth.

3. What excites you the most about the project?

Just the sheer enthusiasm of the entrepreneurs that are joining Home Grown. The fact that members are unashamedly able to talk business, share ideas and mix with their potential investors. We have also been extremely well supported by our ‘Rock star’ entrepreneurs and those that have been through the entrepreneurial journey.

Spread across five Georgian townhouses, Home Grown features 35 boutique bedrooms, a brasserie-style restaurant, study café, several bars, business lounges and meeting rooms

4. Do you think it’s important for members’ clubs to be selective about who joins?

In this case, absolutely, as the real value-add is in the richness of the community and the unrivalled networking opportunities. We have identified and selected key criteria ensuring a membership mix of predominantly high growth entrepreneurs, whose businesses have an annualised growth of 20% or more in either turnover or employees together with investors and performance business leaders.

Read more: Geoffrey Kent takes us on a journey into The Kimberley

Interiors have been designed by Russell Sage Studio

5. What are your top tips for prospective applicants?

Home Grown has been designed as a platform for individuals who not only work to live, but live to work. Applicants should be open and specific about what they are looking to gain from their membership from the application stage, in order to obtain the most value from their membership.

If you are serious about accelerating or continuing the high growth of your organisation, this is the absolutely the community for you.

6. What’s next?

With regards to Home Grown, we are currently looking at possibilities to bring the concept to some of the larger cities in the UK.

As a brand, we continue to look forward for opportunities to expand, which could be within the private members’ club or boutique hotel sector. We will continue to celebrate our eclectic membership through our expansion and retain the pivotal elements in the DNA of the Home House Collection; fun, conviviality and eccentric British excellence.

For more information on Home Grown visit: homegrownclub.co.uk